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I Was Deeply In A Trauma Bond
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I was deeply in a trauma bond, unaware of how much I had been taken over. After reverting to Islam, I found myself in an abusive marriage, completely blindsided by this person's true nature. As the marriage dissolved, with multiple divorces being issued without any evidence of fault on my part, I felt spiritually depleted and utterly confused. I was torn between my desire to be good with Allah and a deep, irrational pull toward my husband despite his cruel treatment. This feeling overtook all my reasoning.
Just as I started to recover, I channelled my pain into purpose. I wrote a campaign to challenge the Shariah law in the UK to help Muslim women who are being spiritually abused and held in marriages without a divorce. I was an intelligent, high-achieving woman, attending meetings about this passion to bring in the Taleq e Tafweed
and raise awareness for a Fash Nikah
to stop women from having to go through Kula, the
expensive and emotionally draining process that put their lives on hold for
months, sometimes years.
But I wasn't healed. I then met someone on a muslim marriage app who moved quickly, and on reflection, I didn't recognise the signs. This became one of my worst experiences of emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse. He used religious texts against me, saying I must obey him and follow him or I would be in sin. He demanded I wear a hijab, and in a derogatory way, would say, 'cover your ass.' I held a senior position in a large tech brand, and he would check my every move, where I was going even though I was a single mother of three who had worked in tech for 27 years and provided for my kids alone.
I was desperately trying to please....I couldn't stop going back.
I found myself walking on eggshells, constantly explaining my every move, living in fear of what would set him off. His sister, who lived in a Muslim country, reinforced this control, telling me I must obey my husband to go to Jannah (heaven). As an independent, self-made businesswoman and a revert, this did not fit who I was at all. I was desperately trying to please and do what was "right," but it made me so sick that I started collapsing, becoming unconscious from the stress.
I couldn't stop going back despite his monstrous behaviour. He would correct my prayer, pick at my laugh in public, and accuse me of looking at men, claiming it was "Islam." I felt so deeply sad inside and spiritually damaged. My faith was severely impacted, and the divorces came again in anger on my birthday. He would disappear for a month at a time and didn't consider me at all. It was one rule for him and one for me, as apparently men can do that in Islam, but women cannot. I was held in this marriage, blocked from communication to control me, but fortunately, on the last 10 days of Ramadan, my Nikah was ruled invalid. Allah is the most merciful and just.
I was given back my freedom, but that's when the true healing began. The weaning off the addiction, which is a trauma bond, felt like I was dying. His last words were, "I'm going to smash you so hard in the face you will see stars in your eyes and be on the floor then in hospital."
I was so caught up in a trauma bond that had plagued me since I was young that my common sense could not override a decision that was clearly going to be to my detriment.
I knew he was going to escalate the more I established boundaries and quoted the correct Islamic teachings. When I reflected, I sleepwalked into the Nikah, even asking the Iman to add a talaq-e tafweed, but I was dismissed. I was so caught up in a trauma bond that had plagued me since I was young that my common sense could not override a decision that was clearly going to be to my detriment. The trauma bond is a nervous system response to threat and danger; I had become wired to abuse because it was familiar, and I was deeply in survival mode.
I am pleased to say, with the right education, support, reprogramming of my inner child, and Allah's blessings, I broke free from the trauma bond that plagued my life and now help others do the same. I felt such shame, as I was a high-achieving woman who even taught people about their minds, but I overcame this and turned it into my purpose. Allah heals the heart, and I am living proof of the power of the divine.
Andrea
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