by Andrea Brewer

Hope and Potential: The belief that the abusive partner can return to their "nice" self or genuinely change. This hope is fueled by glimpses of kindness that mask a deeper pattern of disrespect and harm.

Intermittent Reinforcement: The unpredictable oscillation between periods of affection and abuse. This creates a powerful, addictive cycle within the brain and nervous system, similar to gambling, where the victim constantly chases the "high" of the good times.

Cognitive Dissonance: The mental distress caused by holding two contradictory beliefs simultaneously. This is often exacerbated by gaslighting, where the abuser distorts reality, making the victim question their own memories, perceptions, and sanity. Prolonged gaslighting can even have neurological effects, impacting memory and self-trust.

Even after the relationship ends, the abuser can continue to "live rent-free" in the victim's mind for years. Triggers such as a song, a holiday, a birthday, or even a specific car can evoke strong memories, prompting the victim to romanticise the "nice" version of the abuser and desirecontact.

Often stemming from deep-seated insecurity, an abuser may exhibit jealousy and entitlement, demanding that their partner conform to a specific role, often rooted in patriarchal expectations. This forces the victim to "walk on eggshells," suppressing their true self, potential, and destiny to avoid triggering the abuser. This constant suppression leads to a profound disconnect within the victim, making them more vulnerable to manipulation and coercion.

 

As the victim attempts to establish healthier boundaries, the abuser often escalates their

behaviour, using insults, rewritten narratives, and further psychological attacks to regain control. This relentless tearing down causes the victim to lose their sense of self, becoming a shadow of their former vibrant personality.

 

Even after the relationship ends, the abuser can continue to "live rent-free" in the victim's mind for years. Triggers such as a song, a holiday, a birthday, or even a specific car can evoke strong memories, prompting the victim to romanticise the "nice" version of the abuser and desire contact.

Once we truly see the patterns of abuse and their devastating impact, we have a profound responsibility to heal and break free. 

The unfortunate reality is that a very low percentage of abusers genuinely change because they refuse to acknowledge their part in the chaos they create. This dynamic is a stark example of toxic masculinity savaging within the intimate sphere.

Here are suggested steps on how to break the trauma bond:

Phase 1: Establish Immediate Distance and Safety

• Implement Strict No Contact: This is non-negotiable for healing. Block the abuser on all platforms to stop the cycle of reinforcement.
• Use the Grey Rock Method: If No Contact is impossible (co-parenting, work), become emotionally unresponsive. Keep all interactions factual, brief, and boring.
• Proactively Identify Triggers: Recognise the situations, times, or emotions that cause intense anxiety or a desire to reach out. Create a plan to manage these moments before they happen.

Phase 2: Heal the Physiological & Emotional Addiction

• Regulate Your Nervous System: Consistently use somatic (body-based) exercises to teach your body that calm is safe, counteracting the addiction to chaos. Example: Practice 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding during panic or anxiety spikes. 
• Focus on slow, deep breaths with longer exhales to calm your nervous system.
• Reframe Obsessive Thoughts: When you obsess over the abuser, mentally identify it as a "physiological craving for familiar chaos," not genuine love or connection. Physically redirect yourself to a new environment immediately.
• Grieve the Fantasy, Not the Reality: Allow yourself to mourn the person you hoped they would be or the potential relationship you imagined, which helps you let go of false hope.

Phase 3: Rebuild Your Identity and External Life

• Reclaim Your Intuition: Start small by making simple, intentional decisions and trusting your own judgement to prove to yourself that you are reliable.
• Build and Enforce Solid Boundaries: Define your non-negotiable core values and create clear boundaries. Be prepared to enforce the boundary (by walking away or ending the conversation) when it is violated.
• Invest in Healthy Connection: Actively seek out supportive, stable, and drama-free relationships to counteract loneliness and build a new, secure support system.
• Seek Trauma-Informed Professional Support: Work with a therapist or coach who specifically understands narcissistic abuse and uses somatic techniques to heal the trauma trapped in your body.

Once we truly see the patterns of abuse and their devastating impact, we have a profound responsibility to heal and break free. 

Andrea Brewer will be hosting an 8-week programme on 'Reclaim Faith - Overcoming Spiritual Abuse in Muslim Marriages'. To find out more about how you can signup, follow this link - https://mindpurify.mindpurify.co.uk/reclaim-faithvsl-d4u-reg.